The power of honesty in friendships

A short reflection on Love and Loss

I’m used to staying in relationships that do not feed me, out of fear of being perceived as unpleasant. I stayed when friends disrespected my boundaries, made me feel small, or laughed at the things that interested me. I have felt worthless and afraid when others exited my life. I had thought to myself that there was something fundamentally wrong with me- a shadow misbelief confirmed.

Having friends was a need for me. They were a bandage for my childhood wounds- my fear of abandonment. Even if I was unhappy in friendships, and felt alone and misunderstood in a conversation, I could tell myself that I was liked.

But denying one’s wounds comes at a cost, our closets can only carry so much until they bulge open, mould and spiderwebs engulfing our room. At one point the mask comes crumbling off.

I was a preteen when a caretaker told me I needed to change who I was if I wanted to have friends. Ive grown up hearing I have an unpleasant personality- my grit, and at times tyrannical honesty invoked fear in the most all-knowing adults.

I was a sensitive child. The ones quick to anger outbursts usually are. We are misunderstood, our anger is seen as a dagger rather than the shield that it is.

The story of (non-traumatic) childhood wounding is often the same. ‘My caretakers perceived this and that in such a way, or they did this to keep me safe’. Parenting was never meant to be a two-person, let alone, one-person job- and in a world built on scarcity and competition, I give my parents grace.

It took years for me to fully sit with my wounds, to see it, to accept it, to breathe life into it.

I’m trying something new: Loving honesty. Honesty about how I feel, and how certain relationships make me feel. I realize it’s not only a way to honour me but also another.

Admitting to someone that you are not willing to hold space for this, or be privy to certain expressions, to express your likes and dislikes, to admit how safe you feel in this dynamic, and so on. Honesty builds a bridge. It says this is where I am- this is what I need and am willing to give. If this aligns with you, then cross the waters. I will not have you struggling, trying to cross an ocean, only for you to be swallowed by mud when you arrive on the other side.

Honesty builds a bridge

Every brick contains the wisdom I have extracted from past experiences, here I am, see me- If you choose to meet me, walk gently, this here has blossomed from heartbreak and loss. This here is sacred.